Labels are for Jam Jars

I had no idea that I was guilty of labeling. I wouldn't dream of calling my kids lazy or dumb - but here's the thing: labeling doesn't only apply to negative labels - it applies to positive labels as well.


Jeffrey Holland said, "You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty." This is why labeling is dangerous - it seems to pigeonhole a child. When a "smart" child gets older and older they can start doing poorly, afraid that whatever they do won't be "smart" enough. It is stifling instead of enabling.

For example, here are phrase and labels I have been guilty of using...
"You are such a great helper."
"What a great artist you are!"
"You are so athletic."
"Wow, you are such a smart boy."

Ok, I know what you are thinking, if I can't say those to praise my child, what can I say? This is what I learned...it is much more powerful to describe the action. So instead of saying something about being a helper, try describing whatever they did to help..."You are so great at putting your toys away in the basket when I asked you. I really needed your help. Thank you." Or when they bring you a finished art project, "Wow, I love the way you colored such thick lines here - and I love the circles over in this corner - I love this color you chose!"

What this does is help children understand what makes them so great! It helps them identify and accurately process their actions. It will help them in school and in life. I know that even as adults we make this mistake, we may be the "creative" friend - but when we aren't feeling creative, we can feel without purpose.

I still say "helper" and fall into labels - but I try hard to avoid it. A child who thinks he is a "great writer" - may find himself confused when writing isn't easy for him when he's in school - but a child that knows he is "great at using adjectives" will understand his own talents.

It takes more time - but its pretty great idea! Thanks to Cheryl for a lot of these great thoughts!

Tortoise vs. Hare

At preschool James reenacted the great race between the tortoise and the hare. The children helped set up a race course, and were amazed when that quick rabbit dashed left and right, but never straight ahead. And the slow turtle did, in fact, keep going and going. As James put it, "He put one foot and then the next, one foot and the next. Mom, he just kept going. And sure enough, he won." Of course, James wasn't hesitant in explaining that he had hoped the rabbit would win - but he kept running off course.

What a fun idea! And how interesting that the tortoise really won. I think it possibly says something about our race through life. In the end, rushing ahead doesn't necessarily get us to our own goal. There is something said for those who are able to go the distance. When its not fun or exciting or easy, they keep going. Trying to do their best to move foot by foot ahead; mustering the most courage or joy or endurance just to get through the day. But, in the end, perseverance will get us to the finish line.

The Glass Castle

I am so torn on my review of this memoir. But, I think that's the point. At one point, the brilliant/creative/alcoholic father catches his children burning down an old warehouse and points to the "top of the fire where the snapping yellow flames dissolved into an invisible shimmery heat that made the desert beyond seem to waver, like a mirage." He explains "'...that zone was known in physics as the boundary between turbulence and order. It's a place where no rules apply, or at least they haven't figured 'em out yet,' he said. 'You all got a little too close to it today.'" But even though the children didn't die in the fire, this family seems to live in this strange in between place. A place where the children paint, read Plato, and go hungry most nights of the weeks. Its an interesting/upsetting read but I think worth the time - its one you really won't be able to put down.

It would make an interesting book club discussion and here's one thought - it seems that the way we were raised leads to who we are. But, I firmly suggest that its our obligation to look at the past (for good and for bad) and analyze what was true and what wasn't; instead of just taking it for truth because its what we know. We are all raised by imperfect people and we are imperfect as well - therefore some of our patterns could be damaging. But the most damaging is not looking.

One of my favorite quotes from literature is the last line from Morrison's Song of Solomon..."If you surrender to the air, you can ride it." Simply meaning we need to accept the past in order to soar into the future.

Crocodile Tears

Today at gymnastics, James landed funny and twisted his ankle. His coach brought him an ice pack - and I watched as he tried to hold back the tears. His little lips were quivering, and he was trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, but he looked up and caught my eye. He couldn't hold it any longer - a tear or two ran down his face. But, then he looked away, trying his mightiest to be brave.

Looking at his little face, I was flooded with that feeling, trying to hold back my own tears, trying to be brave, but feeling so sad inside. I felt so much compassion - not just for his little ankle (which will be just fine) - but that he is old enough to even think about holding it in. What a tragic circumstance. When babies are distraught - there is no public awareness. They could care less about bawling, throwing tantrums, shouting out in pain. But as adults, we care...or perhaps we want to avoid questions. Questions like, "Are you alright?" Its kind of a silly question - obviously, if someone has crossed the threshold from trying-to-be-brave and is actually welling up there is something wrong. I have made a solemn promise to myself - that I will avoid this question. That I will instead sympathetically smile, give someone that knowing touch, just change the subject and not bring it up unless they want to, or simply say, "I'm sorry." These are the things that help the sad two year old (and I guess me).

I will now start mourning for James - I hate the idea that he has to become so publicly aware - isn't he too young?! I wish we could all be raw and real - but sometimes that doesn't help heal the hurt either. Sometimes just making it through until we are in a safe place to release our burdens - in James' case the car ride home - is the best way. Thank goodness for safe places.

Milk - Does it do a body good?

Chase can't drink milk with lactose - he is one of the intolerant. James can't stop drinking milk (in fear he often asks, "Are you sure my milk has the lactose?"). He loves it. I, myself, might be able to do without milk - but not without my cheese (note to self - do a blog entirely dedicated to cheese). But, this is all besides my point.

Here's what I heard...if you make a list of countries and their milk consumption, and a list of countries and their heart disease problem, by comparing a two, you'll see that there is a correlation. The more milk consumed, the bigger problem with heart disease.

We are the only mammal that once weaned, start drinking another kind of milk. I'm not making any judgements - I just think its interesting. Thanks Dr. Zimmerman - I am still thinking about this.

Its a good thing ice cream doesn't come from milk - oh, wait a minute. It looks like I'll be addicted to cow for quite some time.