Stream of Consciousness

Warning: this stream of consciousness might not make sense...so read on at your own risk

i swear self-doubt is a creaping creature i can not rid myself of. [deep breath] i went back to the doctor because i'm not producing any treasures, but at the same time, i'm not in that much pain. in fact, at some moments during the day i don't feel a thing. so, as i sat down with the doctor i expected him to say something like, you never had a kidney stone, you must have imagined it all. the pain. the emergency room. never happened. and because i have a vivid imagination, i was prepared to say, something like, woops. i was afraid i was wrong. [deep breath] but, thankfully i'm not delusional (or maybe i'd rather be wrong because then i wouldn't have to keep medicating and hoping and drowning myself in water), there is indeed a pea size stone inside my body. so, i was right. it did hurt. and sometimes still does. and its ok. and might take two weeks. and that's just what happens...but what are the kinds of things i do imagine? what am i wrong about. i seem to ask myself and doubt myself more than i should. i'll find an awesome book and then a month later i'll read about it somewhere and think, why didn't i tell everyone about that -why didn't i trust myself and my taste. perhaps i am just in a self-doubting phase that comes about when the rug is ripped from underneath you. or perhaps, my self-esteem isn't what it should be. no, that's not it. i fancy myself too much, truth be told. maybe its just what makes us human - questions, that is (not doubt). sigh. i can't think about this any longer, tomorrow. i'll think about it tomorrow. and for now, i'll remind myself that there are stones i like: diamonds, emeralds, sapphires (i just love sapphires), and obsidian with its jet black and shiny surface. yes, i'll just think about that now.