The Sage Advice a Cavity Once Gave Me
I went to the dentist recently and found out that James had five cavities and one of them needed a root canal...but get this, you can't get a root canal if your teeth aren't all the way developed. So, we have to see an Endodontist every couple of months until it grows completely. Oh, did I mention the hole is on his permanent tooth?!
This is all I could think about as I drove home: I am now, officially, doing permanent damage to my children. Up to this point everything that I did as a mother will be forgotten. Sure, they may at some deep level feel more secure or loved because of all the time and energy I have put in as a mother. But they won't remember half of it, ok they won't remember a tenth of it. And if I rarely helped them brush their little teeth, it was alright because I knew those little teeth would be falling out and I would have a second chance. There was no pressure. But now, James is in second grade. And all I know is that I have clear memories of second grade. I remember people and conversations, and moments of my life.
I don't know why, but I lost it. I cried for two days straight over this little tooth. And more than that, when a few days time started to give me some perspective and I started to laugh about it, I knew that I couldn't blog about it. I couldn't actually be honest with most of the people in my life who I am certain would laugh along with me over the tears, the tooth, and the bit of honest reflection. I have been writing on the periphery of my own life. I have been genuinely afraid that if I showed weakness, somehow my children's father would use it against me in a court of law. And it was at last facing this sobering reality that has led me to change the way I weild my words.
I want to be honest, and open, and not be afraid of consequences. At one point, a friend told me that my blog was a hollow reminder of what I once was -- ouch...but true. I have been holding back, my friends. But here I am: reclaiming another piece of myself. Raw. Poorly written. But real.
And thanks for the pieces of you that I get over time. My relationships throughout my life are my greatest treasure. S0, truly, thank you.
14 comments:
Oh Angie, I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about the permanent damage. I see Taye or Ads mimic some of my poor behavior, and I think, 'I've ruined them. I've laid out a pattern of inadequate coping behavior and how much time am I going to have to get this right1?' It will be fine, though. I have faith that they'll make their way, tooth decay or not, they will know that they are loved, and safe, and capable.
Eryn,
p.s. I have around 8 fillings and my Dad is a dentist!
The Return of the Angie!!!!
I had 8 baby teeth pulled, two fused to the jaw--when I was around 7/8. To this day, I tear up when I walk into a dentist's office and yet, I still don't take the best care of my teeth...or Evelyn's. Only this week did we begin talking about brushing teeth in the morning....
Love you and your boys: cavities, root canals and all!!!
You give me the shivers, not because of James' teeth but because of your honesty. WELCOME BACK ANGIE!!!!!!
bummer about the tooth. we are all about root canals down here, wish you could make the trip. but neal doesn't work on kids, he has his reasons. :)
looking forward to more writing, angie. you are a talented lady.
Yeah, it's Angie! Way to go, just say it like it is. I have reached a compromise with my kids. I brush at night and they can brush on their own in the morning. Somehow I feel that more damage is done by all that they ate during the day. Who knows, when we go see the dentist in couple weeks, I may find that i have it all wrong!
Thank you Angie, that was beautifully written. I love your honesty.
Sweet friend, I understand why you were cautious about sharing your thoughts on a public blog.
But I am so happy you're here again and able to write without holding back or editing yourself. Your perspective, reflections and ideas hit me straight in the heart. I hope having this space again is good for your heart, too.
With love*h
Angie! I miss you so much. You are so truly beautiful in your honesty. I know how scary it must be to be vulnerable, but honoring it with this post is a huge step in healing. I am so proud of you!
P.S. It looks like its really going to pay off having a dentist in the family!
You really need to write a book. That was beautifully written. I have missed your blog lately. Thanks for this honest post. I just love everything about you, especially your talent as a mom Ang. Teeth are overrated :) I have a mouth full of fillings.
carly had about 5 cavities last year and one was so bad they had to cover the tooth with a crown. every time she smiles and i see that slightly whiter crown, i feel horrible. guilty that i didn't do a better job.
i'm glad to see you're back, unedited and raw. that's the angie i love the most!
I admire and love you.
Welcome back Ang. I'm not a crier and I'm crying right now because of your words and courage. You are the most incredible mother I know and I'm still waiting for you to write a book on motherhood so I can read and use it as my bible. Thank you for being you and your friendship. Don't worry about the tooth. It's not the end of the world just a big headache that you now have to deal with. Love ya. xoxo
i'm so glad to have your honesty-even if once in a while it's not always about the good. you are my hero! i love you!
Angie, some kids just have bad teeth. My cousin, for instance, was born without enamel on her teeth, and all of her teeth were rotten. So, maybe it has nothing to do with dental hygiene!
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