The Status Report
People ask me all the time if I am divorced. I'm not, yet. It has been the longest, stinkiest process you could imagine. It is hard to believe that it has been two years since I flew to NY and discovered the truth. But I am hoping in a few months it will be over. As over as it can be.
People also ask me all the time if they can set me up. I can't even begin to say how scary that thought is...I feel like, I've already tried that once, why would I do it again. I honestly gave everything I could think of...and the thought of a second time is frightening.
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There is an old movie called, The Gay Divorcee. Fred Astaire dances around in his lighter-than-air style and makes it seem so easy, so freeing. I am sad to say it isn't easy or freeing. It just gets more and more complicated. I think perhaps the hardest part is that the person that I knew best in this world, ultimately didn't think I was good enough. It is hard deep inside to face that type of harsh reality and convince myself that I am good enough. (And I am, I've decided).
For some reason, at thirty two, I have to sometimes fight the feeling of being used goods. My youth and bloom are gone (who am I kidding, they were gone at 16), but there is something new in its place. A richness of empathy and sorrow and a conviction that I can do the hardest of things. My well is deeper than me...it is the people around me, the strength I genuinely find in prayer and belief, the knowledge that I have something valuable to offer. And that is what I now fill most of my thoughts with; not with what I am lacking, but with what I can contribute.
I sometimes, theoretically, wish that life didn't have so many road bumps. But somehow, I can't really wish away the very things that make me strongest.
17 comments:
The last two paragraphs of this speak to my heart, Ang. Our bumps in the road are different - but I get the not being able to "wish away the very things that make me strongest." Love your words and love you, my friend.
I love your writing. You have such an incredible talent.
Angie, first of all I love and admire you more than you can imagine. Our experiences in life are so different yet so similar in many ways. Never ever feel like you weren't good enough or are now used goods. You are truly AMAZING. The decisions that were made, had nothing to do with you and all about personal agency and desire for unaccountability. As with every experience in life, it adds to who you are and its your choice to make it positive growth. As a fellow divorcee, life does get wonderful again. You get to own your own destiny, whatever road you chose to go on. Rather than used goods, I feel like I have a better apprecation for when life is really good because I've been through the really bad. Life will always have bumps in the road - so hang on my friend, they just keep on coming :)
You will always be someone I admire. I've been thinking of you as of late. I don't think anyone had a bigger impact on me during my short time in Menlo. You have so much to offer. Never have I seen such a devoted mother. And a fun mother to boot. You've come a long way and have got so much more to give. A book is a great idea by the way...
PS. have you been tuning into the Hills? What the what is going on with that show now! It's terrible but I can't turn away. I'm too committed now.
I can always tell that you are thinking about what you can contribute by the way you are always serving others. People like you are few and far between. Maybe that is why I cling so tightly to our friendship. You bring such happiness to those around you, even in the midst of your own hardship. You're a gem and I love reading your words.
Angie- you are an amazing person- we are cheering for you!
i am sorry this is still going on. it is definitely an ugly process that is not fun at all. you are amazing! hang in there.
Angie,
You are one of the wisest people I know.I love everything Emily tells me about the way you parent your boys. You are an incredible mother and woman. You have so much to offer this world and you are amazing!
This post reminds me of the reasons I have always thought you are amazing. I love your outlook, your wisdom, your insights, and I always appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom with those around you.
I'm sorry the process has been so long and frustrating. I'm eager for you to be able to sigh some relief.
i love you. just want you to know that and always remember it. your strength amazes me and teaches me so much about life and the gospel. i am so blessed to have had you in my life everyday for a few years. wish that was still the case.
Angie-
Just had to tell you that you are seriously the coolest person I know. I didn't even know you for very long, but you left a huge impact on me. (as well as everyone else you meet it sounds like! :) ) Sorry to hear about the heartache. But know that you are loved and admired!
p.s. you have amazing writing skills! I love reading your blog and am glad you are posting again!
Used? I think only experienced, beautified, strengthened, wiser, more savvy, and FORTIFIED. Lost your bloom? Gained your pluck. You have the glow of a woman with knowledge, and a sense of self not easily attainable from just "normal" life experience. You can walk into a room and know what you are made of, know what you can offer, where others are still grasping at pieces of themselves wondering how to make sense of trivialities. Look, we all have relative and measured challenge. I believe this. And it stinks! But it is what it is. I would rather they walked out on us than to have remained, as we naively and lovingly continued to trust their lies and false promises to change and be true to us. TRULY THEIR LOSS. You must know this. You must believe this. I still sit and wonder what happened to my best friend. I still chide myself for even wondering this, yet I do. I probably always will. It won't hurt me. But I will wonder. My heart is mendable but it has memories too. Have faith, my love. The Lord has someone in store for you and you must cling to this idea. This is the only way I've bobbed back to the surface (though admittedly, I drown some days still). Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. When the weight that is a horrendous and scary and daunting legal battle has been lifted (and it will be a fight to the very end, trust me on this), you will be amazed at the relief and the sense of accomplishment, and the sunshine that pours into your soul again. You are healing. I suspect having children involved makes your healing much different than mine or katie's. So take time. You know I love you. But I will say it again. I love you! I support you! I pray for you so often. One friend once said, "I wouldn't have married my husband as he was before his divorce. He is the man today because of that, and the man I love is the man who had his heart broken and fought with everything to save a broken marriage, and still lost. That is the man I love and I am the lucky woman to marry." I always remember that thought when I feel crazy for being crazy because of past wounds. You are who you are today, because of the past, and this is a person who will continue to be refined. You are a remarkable woman. I'm here always. (I'm just a little quiet). Love you so very much.
amen, angie. and all of us who have crossed paths with you know how amazing you are.
Angie--I have been a direct beneficiary of your pending divorce.
When my husband decided to blow up our family this year, you immediately came to mind. And as I groped my way through the dark early stages of this disaster, I reached out to you, and you flooded in like a beacon of light, sharing all the things you have learned in the last two years, encouraging me, showing me how to survive. You led me and kept me afloat when I wanted to die.
Know that you matter to me.
And remember that there is an inferior situation to ours: it's the girls who plan to "stand by their man" at all costs, risking their health and integrity, all in the name of preserving a temple sealing. Their wings are clipped and their voices are shushed for the rest of their lives. But not us. In time, you and I will rise above all this nonsense that's going on. In fact, we already are.
miss you Angie, miss you so much.
So sad to hear that you are still not done with this whole process. May the new year bring closure and I want to say amen to what Kelley said. You are a beacon to many--to her, to me. Isn't it crazy that the refiners fire hurts so much sometimes? I am so glad you got over that deceptive self-doubt. That just couldn't be further from the truth. This had nothing at all to do with you. I am sorry that you had to deal with it though. I have always respected you and continue to watch you from afar and know that you will continue to be an example to me and others. Thanks for your strength Angie.
If you saw yourself how your friends see you even for a MOMENT you would never doubt your value and contributions to the world again. You are a beautiful beautiful person.
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