Help?!
What is wrong with you? And what is wrong with me? And why is it so hard for so many of us to accept help.
I'm very serious about this and the more I ponder, the more tragic I find the situation. If someone offers their seat on the subway (even if we are tired and pregnant) we more likely say no than yes. The question at the grocery store, "Would you like help with that?" is almost invisible. Sure it would be nice to have someone return the cart for me - but I don't want to put someone out and endure the awkward walk to the car with a stranger - and what if they load the groceries in such a way they will fall over - it feels simpler to say "No, thank you." But is it really simpler? I've decided it really isn't. The more we disallow people to help - the more we shut one another out and therefore close ourselves in. "Independent" has taken on a new dimension - we have started to think of ourselves as a failure or incapable or somehow less if we ask for help. But independence is not such a glowing quality when it turns into simple solitude. There is nothing brilliant about feeling alone and not asking for help.
The irony comes when someone calls with a question like this...Could you watch my kids for an hour while I'm at the dentist? We answer - yes! please! of course! i love to help! We give help, but cannot receive help. Its true: we give help, but cannot receive help!
One reason is that we all know someone who asks too much - or over uses this kindness - and we don't want to be seen in that light. But for you who says "no thanks" to everything - you aren't that moochy person. And we can't let it get in our way...because helping each other links us together and makes enduring seem more like living and less like holding on until whenever.
A lot of us are forced into needing help. When I was on bed rest, traveling alone with two kids, and when I get sick amazing people step forward. But, why wait until its desperate? I say we start learning a lesson - if someone called and said, "Ang, will you make me dinner tonight - I am having a no good, terrible, very bad day - and that's the real reason!" I think I could only love them more. Anyhow, I'm going to try to show my weaknesses a bit more and not be to afraid. Which means not just waiting until I look desperate enough that anyone would help - but asking for help a bit earlier.
I think that this is one of the hardest life lessons that exists.
7 comments:
very interesting analysis miss angie. i totally agree, but then, i always let the guy load my groceries up for me. i just feel bad that i can't tip him. :)
Hey Angie! I need to put some serious thought into this, you're right, independance isn't so noble when it becomes just plain solitude.
Oh, and yes! That is your old bassinett! I'm so excited to have a sweet little baby in it, it's adorable! It's definitely getting it's fair share of use! =)
It was good to hear from you!!
Take care - Alicia
I totally have this problem, but I also have another one that is equally as bad! When I see or know someone who needs help I think, "Well, I'm just going to wait until they ask for help. I don't want to bother/upset them." Or,
"What if they don't want/need my help? I don't want it to be awkward." Why do I do this? I never feel bothered or awkward when someone offers me their help--even when I usually say, "No, Thanks. I'm okay." I guess I'm just shy and I don't want to imposition anyone. Ya' know?
this is what I have found- the people that accept help are always the first people I go to when I am in need of help.
And that is why it is so important for me to accept help-so that I, inturn can hopefully make someone feel more comfortable when they come to me:)
I think it is sad that (and this is epecially for me) we don't allow others to "help" us because it can be awkward accepting the help.
I am ALWAYS happy to help. There are times when it is not convenient, but I am still happy to do it.
I don't understand why I can't turn that around and let myself think that others may be happy to help me as well.
There are a lot of people who would be happy to help you Angie.
You wrote it and you're right! I thought you would like to know my mother-in-law is flying in tonight and will be here for two weeks. And when Stu asked me last night if he could help me with the prep work for the RS Birthday party (that is tonight), at first I said no and then I quickly changed my answer to yes! Thank you for helping me see the light. I miss you tons. And I promise I will sit down before I faint on the subway again.
When I got to the point in life that I started letting people help me, it felt great, but...then when I tried to reciprocate, the same people that so willing and I believe, genuinely helped, now won't allow my help. That is a terrible feeling, you feel betrayed. We've got to not betray each other by not letting each other in. We've got to get over this.
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