Labels are for Jam Jars
I had no idea that I was guilty of labeling. I wouldn't dream of calling my kids lazy or dumb - but here's the thing: labeling doesn't only apply to negative labels - it applies to positive labels as well.
Jeffrey Holland said, "You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty." This is why labeling is dangerous - it seems to pigeonhole a child. When a "smart" child gets older and older they can start doing poorly, afraid that whatever they do won't be "smart" enough. It is stifling instead of enabling.
For example, here are phrase and labels I have been guilty of using...
"You are such a great helper."
"What a great artist you are!"
"You are so athletic."
"Wow, you are such a smart boy."
Ok, I know what you are thinking, if I can't say those to praise my child, what can I say? This is what I learned...it is much more powerful to describe the action. So instead of saying something about being a helper, try describing whatever they did to help..."You are so great at putting your toys away in the basket when I asked you. I really needed your help. Thank you." Or when they bring you a finished art project, "Wow, I love the way you colored such thick lines here - and I love the circles over in this corner - I love this color you chose!"
What this does is help children understand what makes them so great! It helps them identify and accurately process their actions. It will help them in school and in life. I know that even as adults we make this mistake, we may be the "creative" friend - but when we aren't feeling creative, we can feel without purpose.
I still say "helper" and fall into labels - but I try hard to avoid it. A child who thinks he is a "great writer" - may find himself confused when writing isn't easy for him when he's in school - but a child that knows he is "great at using adjectives" will understand his own talents.
It takes more time - but its pretty great idea! Thanks to Cheryl for a lot of these great thoughts!
5 comments:
Great thoughts. looks like i'm a labeler. Can't wait to try it out. thanks!
A recent long term study showed that when children were told they were smart vs. a group of children who were praised for working hard, that the smart children on the following tasks did two things - 1- give up and 2- cheat. The children who were praised for working hard went on to several more advanced tasks.
Interesting note: the study was done with all "gifted" children.
The author related that after this was published - she received a large number of letters from adults that were labeled "gifted or brilliant" as children, saying, that they were paralyzed as adults, many not even able to hold down a job.
I listened to Hollands talk that you quoted just this morning-- I just love him.
I do it so absent mindedly I need to start thinking before I speak:)
Angela! you are so bright and such a great writer too!
I had a hard time writing papers in college because I was labeled a "good writer" in high school. I was scared the label would not hold up and I would fail. In order to not fail, I just would not produce and that is when I learned a 0% is worse than a 50%. (surprisingly, I have always done really well in math!)
Any effort is better than no effort.
Post a Comment